wolvy

I'm getting over you. :)

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 18:51:11 GMT

Even if it takes forever
I'll get my shit together
I've been doing so much better
I'm getting over you

and life's looking great :)

..working on our thesis at burger king..

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 18:25:49 GMT

Isa: if he looks at you, then he doesnt like you..

if he looks at me, he's GAY!

me: oh godd

tayo nga lang!!

WAHAHAHAHA

Been having the best time with my blockmate Isabel. She's really pretty, and is fun to talk to, and is just honest and sincere when it comes to almost everything.
I've been working with her ever since I pseudo walked out on that Bert. I mean come on, the guy is driving me nuts - all the time and energy we spent just went somewhere I dunno, and well there, I've been getting worse panic attacks after the whole incident..

Thank god I realized that friends can and will make you better.
sigh.
Anyway, short of wishing I could straighten up, I'm really really glad to have gotten to know her even better during this time.

that and me being numb about everything pretty much sum up my days.

sigh again.

me and bert = disaster. that's sugarcoating it.

looking at my other entries..

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:33:39 GMT

hello, since april?!

even my stubborn head is telling me to want to be happy again.
:)

here's to happier months ahead. :)

what a weekend..

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 17:12:58 GMT

friday
stayed up all night helping a group with the design aspect of their paper. I swear this job gets ooold but it's fun. I mean it's added interaction with my schoolmates. yay loser.

saturday
was up feeling knocked out because of the overnight work. then I realized that I scheduled to do this other project, then relatives flew in from the states, then had to buy something in ortigas, then had to prepare for the night. gee. everything in between the events? travel time. traffic sucks.

but the night was great..although sorta stressful. I had the weirdest time pulling off a surprise to watch avenue Q..but it was well worth it. It could've been better if it had been for sunday, but I got lucky with the last few tickets for saturday night, which meant pushing back other parties - Sansan's birthday, MJ and Luis' birthday and then Bobby's despedida. We ended up doing tag team stuff again, but ending up at the despedida. kinda late though.

hmm then sunday happened
woke up late. ran home. drove to MoA..then esplanade to go the Nissan Imagination factory event. It was grreat. Students were invited to see Nissan designers talk about the design process, with an interactive clay modeling demo and a presentation by select industrial design students on their concepts for Nissan vehicles. Being a car-design lover, I personally enjoyed this part since I've been wanting to do something like that since I found out that automotive design is a course you can take up in LA (Art center college of design)

so there. been a while since I updated.. I better realign my sched to make more time for the things I like doing. hopefully I get to post something a lot more meaningful than this. haha

aryty.

I realized I still like designing.. but I need to have control. otherwise things just go really bad. in the hands of people who don't know what they're doing, they end up killing their own ideas. how sad.

move on? it's so hard. he doesnt check here anyway. what does it matter..right?

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 17:02:09 GMT

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

sigh. if you only knew..how much I wanted to change everything to make things okay once more.

god.

no amount of lamenting will ever make things okay again.

why cant I turn off the radio?

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 16:51:43 GMT

........I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you..

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears

So done with wishing you were still here

Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow...

this is the ow part..

....Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary...

see. ouch. painful prick. :{

ho hum.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 16:46:05 GMT

hmmm i've always been a lyrics person, so little wonder that I massacre songs to get the lines that hit the right spots..

anyway, been listening to old cheesy songs and in an odd way, they kinda made me forget the sadness of the moment.. they actually gave me something to look forward to.

I can't understand it.. but hey I guess I'm tired of all the crying and sulking. Although, yes, I still do those all the time. HAHA sorry ang cheeseball.

neway..

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart..

It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing..

its always better when we're together

Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together ...

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings

MMM, We're somewhere in-between together
Well, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep

But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing....

We're better together

i'm super cheese. forever na. seryoso. hahah

love hurts.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 05:18:22 GMT

.....Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing

Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive

I'm fettered and abused
Stand naked and accused
Should I surface, this one-man submarine?
I only want the truth!

Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me --> uhm, not yet please. haha
'cause without love I won't survive

*lips quivering*

:{

...it hurts but it might be the only way..

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 18:27:53 GMT

I had a talk with Bert earlier tonight..

it was just a quick, hi with a little chocolate sundae cone I got because he loves those things..

so anyway, we chatted a little, then he realized he was hungry so we went to Mcdo for a late dinner.

the food was great.. but the talk after it was what made my burden feel lighter..

I was naturally tearing up, saying how much I will always love him, but acceptance of the situation will always make the burden lighter. one day at a time..

conversation led to our personal quirks.. how, despite being strangely similar, we were entirely different. In the end we realized that we were different sides of the same person..

we think creepily alike, yet we approach and do things exactly opposite each other.

....and so maybe at this point, it still can't work. not just yet..

maybe in the future, when we realize that hey, we can be ready after all. strong enough once more to find it in us to work around the other's little quirks..

but then again maybe that's just me hoping against something I can't control once more.

i told him earlier that I wished I had made the previous week extra special. if I had known that this would happen.. I knew I would've made everyday unique and unforgettable.. but there was no way of doing that.. and I felt like dying when he brought upon us that final, conclusive break.

our conversation tonight made me feel so grateful that I hadn't lost him entirely. if ever, I knew I had gained that other part of me who can always fill the gap where my person feels aloof. strangely, we work that way..but stranger still is the fact that my tenacity for clinging on to irrational feelings has given way to acceptance of how I KNEW I am, which goes the same for himself.

it was the most real, fantastic, beautiful, emotional, hurtful thing I had ever experienced..but I have no regrets.

I will never take my back on that chance enounter I had with him.. the first time I saw him pass..

this all started from there right?

now it's time to close that chapter and move on.

I.. was happy when I got home.

I texted him:

"...for all it's worth I will always find it in me to thank god for giving us the chance to know each other. I wish the best for you and I will always love you..sweet dreams."

he replied with:

"thanks mikes. you will always be someone special to me. And you'll always have me to run to in life. I mean it. Thank you for a wonderful relationship. Thank you for the love and friendship."

I've never really stopped crying. Things will never be the same, but then when we do look back, I guess this had to happen for some reason. I wouldn't sure as hell know right now.. believe me. i've tried everything I could think of.. but I always return to a gaping blank.

at the end.. I know I still have a friend. Bert is the sweetest, most patient person you will ever know. He's kinda meek, is amazing with words, and has an uncanny resemblance to Bernard Palanca. (haha) see why it wasn't so hard to stick with him? :)

he'll always be my boo.

i wuv you.

:)

it will always hurt. I loved you so much boo.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 10:59:30 GMT

blind hope sucks.

optimism.. always renders the ones who are left as the losers.

i have never cried as hard.. never felt the pain as real as this.

the first time.

i just want to forget.

I don't think I'll ever love this much again.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 17:52:45 GMT

... I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone..

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you

Do you see how much I need you right now?

I miss you.

*sorry. was crying like crazy after hearing it. just hit something inside me.

so this was all I caused. oh god.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 17:41:26 GMT

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is staring holes in me again

Trust you is just one defense
off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is staring holes in me again,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

-----------------------------------------

I felt like choking. I never meant to be the cause of all this to him.

I feel bad if I ever was like this. I never intended to be.

you know how it is to have your insides pinched?

maybe this is that feeling.

I never wanted to hurt the one I truly loved.

if I could only undo the hurt I caused, I would.

i'm so sorry..

but the tears and words won't matter as much anymore.

Blind.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 16:48:58 GMT

...I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor..

but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know

a part of me died when I let you go.

I have never felt so bad in my whole life.

maybe I lost too much of myself in this so called relationship.

Wed, 30 May 2007 17:14:39 GMT

"Adik sa'yo", awit sa akin
nilang sawa na sa aking
mga kwentong marathon
Tungkol sa'yo, at sa ligayang
iyong hatid sa aking buhay
tuloy ang bida sa isipan ko'y ikaw

Sa umaga't sa gabi sa
bawa't minutong lumilipas
Hinahanap-hanap kita,
hinahanap-hanap kita
Sa isip at panaginip,
bawa't pagpihit ng tadhana
Hinahanap-hanap kita

Sabik sa'yo kahit maghapon
na tayong magkasama't parang telesine
Ang ating ending Hatid sa bahay n'yo
Sabay goodnight,
sabay me-kiss, sabay bye-bye

should there be a next time, I'll get to see people fly.

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 20:50:36 GMT

it feels good to let go and forgive.

but forgetting is an altogether harder endeavor. especially when your memories of that time haunt you, and make you think of in what and where you came short.

fuck

this what..I'm too nice?

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 20:47:16 GMT

It's ironic, how sometimes people try to be calm, and talk things through but it's so difficult to maintain something like that when all your heart is screaming for is the truth, and mad, blinding rage.

mad, blinding rage are soft words to describe how I felt that time.

...in this case of people protecting their own interests, I can only say that I unfortunately showed up just when things were getting suspicious. Even now that things are okay, I still feel hurt and to a certain extent, to get even.

But that's just me.

ahem. yes my senior friends a.k.a. FREE MEN, we repeaters have academics to worry about. bwiset.

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 10:04:31 GMT

hmmm im worried..

coz I know I'm always worried.

so I'll worry some more.

homestretch.

I wish I could get there as fast as I would in a run. But days will be weeks.

okay two weeks.

so...

there's this dark looming troublesome *thing* inside of me.

it's preparing me for the worst.

I'm glad it only reaches academics..

I'm glad I still have a lot to be thankful for.

okay incoherent post.

whew. letting it all out is therapy. hahah
I better keep on coming out more from this cocoon of a room

heheh

from my old entries.. but wait here's more! {cheese}

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 20:44:06 GMT

I never saw this coming.. but it totally made up for all those times where I had to stop and think of why I couldn't ever get it right..

before, I thought that if ever there was someone who'd come, I'd like for that person to be someone I could introduce to my friends as well. someone I could talk to about everything...someone I could be myself with.

It was a long wait... but I'm glad that someone has finally arrived. :D

---> we never really know how we go about things as we experience them..but when you look back, it's amazing how you see that you've indeed created your own story.

it wasn't exactly a fairy tale.. but it was worth everything we went through..and will go through.

together :)

after so long..

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 20:33:43 GMT

2006-03-06

We met on a Monday, minutes before my Psychology class started. I had only gone to their bench to ask his friend where our class really was for that day. See, I'm never really attentive to reminders.
But that Monday found me sorta happy, since the night before I had the most lucid dream..Of Bert entering this classroom, introduced himself, then we got down to business. That dream was so vivid that I remember even smelling the cologne he was wearing. I woke up the next day thinking if I had gone or met someone. My hopes sorta went to normal when I realized it had all been a dream...

This stranger I just met turned out to be similar to me in more ways than I could imagine..

uhm.. you won't believe how long I've waited to get to know you.. I hope that doesn't scare you away. I'll stop if this is all too weird na "

--> "thanks for not giving up on me."

--------------------------

2007-02-23

over a sumptuous dinner..

"Oh my god! It's been a year.."

"So where do we go from here?"

*smile*

:D

..ey dreams can come true ;)

happy :)

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 17:50:47 GMT

just got home from a long day..and I happened to look up as I was waiting for the door to be opened. The night sky was clear, and stars were twinkling nicely as I spent a moment to recap the day's events..

Yesterday (more like now, translated to a few hours ago) Bert and I celebrated our 9th. Thank god the day went pretty smoothly, with me taking a break for a while to enjoy what I've been missing out for quite some time. Then again it seemed like a given that I only got an hour and a half's worth of sleep, since I was frantically working on Bert's marketing materials which have been looong overdue. I just decided to surprise him by FINALLY getting him more than he expected.

Waking up hours before to work with my printer proved to be so worth it as I saw Bert's face light up at the sight of the mini design booklet. I got a nice surprise too when he showed me two cute and fat ryukin goldfish, (they're gorgeous - silver and mandarin markings and upright fins) which had a moment where we were both laughing inside his car.

It felt so nice to see him pick me up after a night of no sleep and waking up early just to produce something really nice to look at. And then I had dinner to worry about..

hmm I tried my best to make him think that we were going to eat in Wasabi, when I just made reservations at that nice little restaurant in Esteban abada called In-Yo. It's a fusion cuisine place, with a beeeautiful entrance, and the ambience of the place is just wonderful. There were wood beams, accented with asian designed pieces here and there. We opted to stay outside, beside the hanging vines and lights since the weather felt great.

So I pre-ordered, and had everything taken care of, which surprised Bert since I finally planned something out. The reservation was another surprise since Bert's been beaming since yesterday that he could read me like that. He admitted that I totally lost him since I just kept on driving around. yay! We had yummy oysters, and salmon and steak and creme brulee and I guess that really made up for all the times I've been cooped up at home just working for other people's design stuff.

*ahem* rico, even workaholics take breaks :P haha

then we watched Happy Feet in Greenhills promenade, and almost froze in there because of the cold. Cute movie, stunning graphics.. but the popcorn and the seats were what got to me. After that we went to Kopiroti and had a short dessert talk about how things were going, how we are, catching up with each other and once more telling each other how thankful we both are for having met.

I told him that everytime I look at him, I still can't get over the fact that I got the person I was chasing/stalking for so long. It's all unbelievable.
So there we were..both cheeseballs, telling each other what we both felt. I've never held anyone's gaze for so long, but I only got to do it because I can sure as hell say that what I was saying was sincere.

It was such a wonderful day..

We drove back to Burgundy, took him to his apartment, then I went down to the parking lot to go home. I'm writing this after looking up at the clear night sky, on my 9th month together with my luvvy..and it all feels great. That's my limited vocabulary working - great, wonderful, marvelous. hahah

anyway..typical entry. just felt like putting it down, because it feels nice to write after a long break.

that's all peeps. I better get sleep because one day of taking a break just pushed back all the deadlines I was supposed to meet.

SIGH.

back to work.

:)

nosebleed! after a long break from writing..

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 19:08:57 GMT

A long time ago I made this journal as an alter ego to someone who couldn't take living with a secret half-life. I've written how it felt to be hidden, to have crushes, my insecurities.. I used this journal to stalk and document how it is to secretly like someone from afar. This journal was a regular spectator to how it felt to have blows to my ego whenever I'd be disappointed in all my attempts to meet that guy I admired for so long.

Then things happened, snowballing until I couldn't believe how everything went. I suddenly found myself in the best and most difficult thing I ever experienced.. and I never looked back once.

It was him who told me after a seemingly disastrous date of how he put me in the exact seat where he first texted me, which "was the start of a conversation that hasn't ended since.."

it was him who told me of how I changed him..and made him know how it felt to love once more

it was him who made me realize that loving him is the most beautiful thing that I've ever had, because it comes so naturally, and feels so strong.

That despite after and during every big fight, I just can't seem to stay mad because it crushes me to do so..

Bert picked me up this afternoon since we had to go to a meeting in Gateway. We got it over with, and had dinner at Super Bowl. Had crispy noodles and seafood congee. yumyum! They had big servings..

Between sips of tea and noodles and fried chips, I told Bert of how I really had to study since I had my exams first thing Monday morning. I didn't want to bore him, but at the same time I felt bad that we might had to part after dinner. Instead he looked at me, saying that there's nothing more he'd want than to stay with me while I'm studying. I felt warm with his answer.. I shot back with, dude it's a Saturday.. and got interrupted with ..yeah, and I'd love to stay with my boo.

I couldn't argue after that, except maybe try to hide my teary eyes by then. haha Im such a crybaby.. but it felt so nice to hear those from him. I know it was expecting too much, and I was okay to just get my business over and done with. Instead, I got to pore over my notes and thesis statements while he bought me my favorite drink and sandwich at the Coffee Bean.

Between making notes, reading my book, and an occasional glance on this magazine, Bert kept on making me listen to certain songs he finds on my iPod. Songs I listen to because of their lyrics, which surprised me since he was never the one to just single out songs for their content. He was also poring over this Logo book I brought for the earlier meeting, and everything just felt right.

I never knew that doing the simplest things could ever make me feel all warm and nice inside.

After studying and a pretty long movie afterwards, he took me home and kissed me softly before I left the car. It was the perfect cap to a day where everything just fell in place.

It was his company, and the way he gave me his Saturday that made me fall in love again. It felt like we were going out all over again, but this time we were just ourselves, enjoying each other without worrying about other things.

It's when I get reminded of how much I love him..and of how I feel so lucky the day we met each other.

We've come a long way..

and I'll be looking forward to my future with him.

my boo. :)

sigh.

random rant

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 16:17:35 GMT

haven't posted in a long time..

been sick for a week

and well I just realized

that I'm not sure that anyone will be taking me seriously if I seriously look like I'm still under 18.

horrible.

i wish i were taller and had a deeper voice.

hmpf

LOST.

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 15:45:51 GMT

this is crazy.. I think I'm having an anxiety attack - if there's such a thing - because I haven't had a decent amount of sleep this past week. Call it Murphy's Law or what - bottomline is that whatever happens I just have to keep on going because I can't simply stay in one place stuck just because everything else is going wrong. This is work. My ipod died. The pc crashed. DSL just got cut. Our projects class homeworks started piling up. To compensate - I took extra design jobs to pay for a new iPod--which I totally need--then the mounting projects..not being able to work at home has been so much stress. (sleeping at the factory is. or not sleeping. just working.zoning out..calling Bert..)

I haven't had a life.. haven't worked out.. haven't had a moment I can truly call my own. It's been two weeks..
I promised myself I would catch up to the best I can.. but I would never compromise the output of work I churn out just for the sake of finishing everything. Art is art..design is something I absolutely need to do decently.

almost 24 hours straight doing back to back backlogged work, I find myself scared to start on my 50 year plan. It's basically us making images of how we want to find ourselves 1-5-10-15-20-25-50 years from now. I'm scared because it's all so uncertain. All uncharted waters.. I knew I had always been ready to go to only months back. But now, things are different. I'm with someone I love dearly.. I'm together with someone I'm so scared of losing. I don't want our roads to part ways in the future.

This is my form of dementia. Paranoia creeps in.. making me worry at every single turn. Making me question if I'm good enough, clouding all my efforts at putting and giving value to myself and what I do. It's tearing me apart.. and I seem to be stuck right here.

I'm scared of starting that homework I know I would enjoy doing because in a way I have settled with planning my life alongside Bert. I've been wanting to tell him how I just want to make sure..because we both have big ambitions for ourselves. I'm glad that's the case.. but being apart for stretches is inevitable. I don't want that. I'm scared.. I'm stuck. My thoughts are just JAMMED. I suddenly find myself not being able to project what I want to be because if I don't plan with Bert's plan in mind - our own goals might eventually lead us elsewhere.

MIGHT.

EVENTUALLY.

I'M SO SCARED.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I've told myself to just do my own thing.. to lead my own life.. to be my own person. but why can't I start? The intense amount of work has been a major reason.. I guess. Just when I want a break from the usual monotony of things suddenly come the BIG BREAKS that would have big consequences for me later on. I know it. I know I have to take these opportunities.. and I do know that the same things go for Bert. The guy's smart.. you gotta hand that to him. He loves what he does..and he excels because it's his passion. I guess I'm just scared because I don't see myself in his plans for the future..

it's been a while since we fought about this - but hearing "I won't stay just because you want me to" still stings. I felt stabbed because as far as I know I've bent so many rules and made sure that I would always be in control of things no matter what. This is something.. I don't know if I can put in my hands. I know I don't have to.. I know I'm not supposed to. But here.. Im scared of giving too much when that is what I naturally do..

I guess in a way I expect the person to do the same thing. But I don't know.. it's all my drama. I hate it. I wish I could deal with things more normally.. not the paranoid, schizoid, weak little me.

Was I supposed to feel at ease with hearing "I DO" from him after that time we fought? That despite the ambiguity of the situation, I was free to project and see where things would lead..COULD lead. I'm scared because I tend to see only what I want to see. Thus I DO can mean a host of other things. Truth be told..and I don't know if I will be able to tell him this sometime soon.. I DO means

I am willing to sacrifice and always understand because I want US to work..
I want him to be happy.. and not stifle his dreams..
I want to live a happy life, and have a happy family with him.. to realize both our dreams and have a good life, with all our friends too

it's so hard to see where things would lead whenever he says that we always meet in the middle. We're Yin and Yang..and that's the truth. I'm scared because I know that roads can lead to so many places..

I can't seem to quantify this FEAR and ANXIETY I have..

but I know..
I just know..
because he always reassures me..

that

I DO.

whatever that is. only time can tell.

I want to find even just that sliver of the future that would give me peace of mind..
but that's just impossible.

you think?

I'm still lost.

taken from my earlier entry...

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 18:52:47 GMT

I feel dizzy ..euphoric.. and nauseous. that's how this love is to me. ahaha :P

I wish I weren't so dependent. it's killing me :P

ok lang though.. but still.

haha

oh yipeee.... amazing how choosing animals for answers can get you test scores like this :P

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 16:26:05 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?